HAPPY DAYS FOR DRUGGIES

Introductory Notes: (1) Bear with me a bit longer and I'll make this blog interactive again. (2) Warning with respect to this blog entry: heavy doses of sarcasm ahead.

So what’s your pleasure? Cigarettes? Heroin? Whichever it is, if you’re into drugs, these are halcyon times.

For those who enjoy a completely altered state of consciousness, say a prayer tonight for the Taliban. Thanks in part to our adventures in Iraq, the Taliban has been growing in strength lately in Afghanistan. And that’s great news for anyone who enjoys the wondrous fruits of the opium poppy. The good men of the Taliban are producing a record yield this year, the New York Times reports. In fact, Afghanistan – that shining example of an American-inspired democracy in the Muslim world – will be producing nearly 50% more opium this year than last year. Does that get you high or what!

The fact is that the 6,100 metric tons of opium that the Afghans will be harvesting this year should exceed global consumption by nearly a third. That’s fabulous news for any of us who enjoy shooting up in the arms or the ankles. Just think about it – supply goes way up, so price must … go down, right? Oh, I’m sure all this will stimulate demand too, and that could lessen the downward movement on price, but there will be more people to share our passion for the poppy, and that’s pretty cool, I’d say.

If you’re sending out thank you cards for the increased yield, don’t just stop with the Iraq War hawks and the Taliban. You might also send a word of thanks to the Afghan government and police officials who are supporting the increase in poppy cultivation by ignoring calls to crack down. Some people call them “corrupt,” but I’d rather say they’re opportunistic … no, let’s call them resourceful.

And if you’re worried that the good news will soon come to an end, don’t. The Afghan minister for counter-narcotics, Habibullah Quaderi, said that his government’s strategy to fight opium would start to yield results in, get this, three years. Now seriously, who among us thinks that far in advance?

I’m with Lou Reed:

When the smack begins to flow,
Then I really don’t care anymore
About all the jim-jims in this town
And everybody putting everybody else down
And all of the politicians makin’ crazy sounds
All the dead bodies piled up in mounds, yeah.

Great stuff, heroin. It inspires such wonderful art.

But I didn’t really want to talk too much about heroin. Here in America, most people who like a good buzz are too wimpy to put that spike through their veins. They’d rather just light up. And for you wimps, have no fear. You’ve got some excellent news coming your way, too.

Don’t you hate it when people nag you to quit smoking? I know I do. They’re always reminding you of the years you’re taking off your life, and all the health problems you’ll have, and how you’ve no right to impose all these huge health care costs on everyone else. Yada, yada, yada. Who gives a rat’s butt about any of that? I just enjoy a good smoke.

Well now, you can tell those ninnies to shut the heck up, ‘cause quitting smoking is getting too damned difficult. And you’ve got the facts to back it up. According to a study conducted by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health (a bunch of bureaucrats if ever there were any), from 1998 to 2004 the nicotine levels in cigarettes have increased by roughly 10 percent. Even the “light” cigarettes – the ones your wives smoke – are increasing in nicotine. And that means that it’s easier and easier to get hooked, and harder and harder to quit. Fine by me. Maybe they’ll just leave us alone now that it would be Herculean to stop even if we wanted to.

Someone actually asked the big tobacco companies if they were ramping up the nicotine on purpose. Well duh! The boys in suits wouldn’t comment. I wouldn’t have either. What a stupid question. The next thing you know, we’ll ask those boys whether they make money on purpose. The last time I checked, this is a capitalist country and cigarettes are legal. If you don’t like them, move to Russia.

Naturally, the liberals will be taking this news as another opportunity to regulate the tobacco industry. More red tape. More bureaucracy. More of a chance for losers who can’t make a living in the private sector to get that Government job and suck on the federal tit – as if our taxes weren’t high enough already. The liberals will talk about the “evil” men and women of the tobacco companies and how they need to be reigned in. They’ll call these law-abiding citizens greedy, even rapacious. Let’s be frank: it’s all about jealousy.

Tell me, do you know anyone who’s worked for a big tobacco company? I do. They’re normal people, just like the rest of us. They’re just trying to earn a living to help out their families. Their job is to sell as much of a legal product as they can, and if they do that job well, they’ll get rich. Very rich. That’s the way it should be. But that makes the “levelers” green with envy. Bureaucrats can’t deal with it when they see businessmen get rich. So they call for regulation. It’s sickening.

So next time you go to your country club and see a tobacco executive or one of their top lawyers, shake his hand and give him a nice broad smile. His success is an example of the American dream, and don’t let any social democrat tell you otherwise. If he wants to make cigarettes more potent, that’s his business. And that’s our pleasure. If anyone tries to take that away from you, just send a check to your local congressman or senator and tell him why you’re making a contribution. He’ll take good care of you, and you will have witnessed American-style democracy in action.