MYSTIFYING

There’s a lot going on these days that I just can’t understand. Even when someone tries to explain them to me, I still shake my head in disbelief.

For starters, I don’t get Elin Woods. Why is she still living with the Cheetah? Does this woman have any pride? Does she not appreciate just how extensively her man betrayed her? We’re not talking an affair here. Or two. Or three. We’re talking about a hole for every hole at Pebble Beach – and probably not a terribly healthy hole at that. We’re talking hookers, porn stars, waitresses, sex in her bed, sex in church parking lots, violently sexual text messages … need I recount the list?

I read yesterday that Elin is upset that Tiger is going to play the Masters. Hello? This is what he does, lady. He plays golf. Would you rather he quit and spend his time, I don’t know, honing his texting skills?

If I treated my wife the way Tiger treated Elin, I’d like to think she’d Bobbit me. And if she did, and the case went to trial, I’d definitely expect jury nullification. Tiger is darned lucky that whatever violent urges Elin had apparently went away when he drove the car into the tree. If Elin could swear off the desire for retribution at that point, even if she never spoke to his cheating butt again, that’s a birdie for Tiger. The idea that she would not only stay away from violence but take him back into her own home … that’s not an eagle … that’s just nuts.

Secondly, when Tiger returns to the PGA tour next week, I’ll be rooting for him to win. How’s that for mystifying? I think he’s a lying, cheating, hypocritical scoundrel. But he’s an athlete who played for Stanford. So I’ll be rooting for him. Sorry, but I had to be honest.

I’ll get back to sports in a moment, but let’s talk now about something less civilized – world events. Start with the Pope. How do you go from being a member of the Hitler Youth, to someone who protects a priest who molests hundreds of deaf children, to being the so-called Vicar of Christ? I must have misunderstood the kind of credentials you need for that job. Perhaps the Cardinals figure that you need a sinner to speak about the value of eradicating sin – much like you might need a former drug addict to lecture people against drugs. So if the next Pontiff is a former Mafia hit man who dedicates his Papacy to stopping violence … just remember, you heard it here first.

Admittedly, as a Jew, I come from a people who can’t understand this whole celibacy thing. We don’t just condone sex, we encourage married couples to do the deed on Friday nights. You know – the Shabbat. When God rests, we engage in indoor sports … with the approval of the rabbis. The Catholic Church seems to think that such a celebration of the human body is unbefitting those who would attain true holiness. But look at the results.

I heard Chris Matthews, Patrick Buchanan and a Catholic woman talking on TV the other night about this latest Church scandal. And one of those talking heads was peddling some nonsense about how the 5 percent of the priests who molest children (or enable the molesters) are giving a bad name to the 95 percent who don’t. I couldn’t help but wonder how they came up with those numbers; it’s not like priests put the information on the Internet whenever they attack another boy. But what’s more, do people really think that 5 percent sounds like a small number? Talk about mind boggling.

Personally, I haven’t a clue what percentage of Catholic priests molest children, and I doubt anyone else knows either. But I know this -- if I were Catholic, I’d pray every night for world peace, the alleviation of poverty, and the end of celibacy requirements for priests. Talk about an idea whose time has come.

Next up on my mystification list comes to you from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Now is a time when the Democratic Party FINALLY has something to cheer about. For “the Base,” the health care legislation might be half a loaf, since it lacks the public option, but no progressive can truly shrug off any legislation that promises to insure more than 30 million additional Americans. The victory on health care reform figured to add a little wind to the sails of those Democratic candidates whose popularity had been hemorrhaging for months. Now, finally, perhaps their base could become as energized as the base of the Republican Party, who have been hooting and hollering ever since Sarah Palin, Dick Armey and Fox News realized that tea bags and retired right wingers make for one potent witches brew.

So … how does Barack and Company decide to kick off their push for victory in November? By announcing the policy of Drill Baby Drill.

Come again? Why is Barack channeling his inner Maverick? Weren’t the Democrats supposed to be the party of environmentalism, and the GOP the party of oil? Or did I misunderstand those chants at the Republican Convention? (Maybe “drill baby drill” was intended as encouragement to Tiger Woods and his other PGA comrades … but I digress.) Seriously, even if the idea of drilling off the coast of my beloved Maryland could theoretically be justified, why would you announce that policy now? Why not agree to it as a concession for Republican support to bipartisan climate change legislation? If the Dems make all their concessions to the Republicans up front, what could possibly motivate the Republicans to compromise their own positions? Again, I just don’t get it.

Fortunately for the Democrats, it’s not like they’re battling a bunch of rocket scientists either. How do you explain why, at a time when the GOP is portraying their opponents above all else as wantonly wasteful slobs who could care less about our national debt, the RNC would spend thousands of dollars on private jets, limos, and a bondage club in LA. According to a Washington Post article, "The dark, leather-heavy interior [of the bondage club] is reminiscent of the masked orgy scene from the movie Eyes Wide Shut. There is also a heavy net suspended above the club's lounge area where performers writhe above the heads of club-goers. Even more provocative scenes are played out in an enclosed glass booth area adjacent to the club's dance floor area."

I’m a Kubrick fanatic. I’ve seen Eyes Wide Shut as often as often as Tiger Woods has had sex in church parking lots with Perkins Family Restaurant waitresses. If that club is one tenth as obscene as that house in Eyes Wide Shut, these Republicans have some nerve talking about family values – unless of course the GOP is talking about the Manson Family or the Addams Family. If so, they might want to communicate their message a little clearer. Right now, it’s pretty incoherent.

Anyway, let’s get back to the world of sports. Explain this to me. You’re Shaun Rogers. You’re a Pro Bowl Nose Guard for the Cleveland Browns. You’ve once been suspended for four games for violating the policy against performance enhancing drugs, but at least your fans can fathom why you might have taken those drugs. To get an edge, right? To win games, right? Fine, I get that. I think we all do. What some might not understand is why this Einstein would walk into an airport last week carrying a loaded .45 in his carry-on bags. Apparently, this was a semiautomatic weapon with eight rounds.

Let’s step back for a second. Ten years ago, we’d all appreciate why Shaun Rogers would want that .45 on an airplane. Yeah, I know, he’s 6’ 4” and 350 pounds. Still, you never know when the geek sitting next to you wants to talk about his hemorrhoid problem, and you figure that one or two rounds where the sun don’t shine would put the loser out of his misery AND help you get some shut eye. Sounds like a win-win to me.

But there is this little problem lately known as terrorism. And when you do bring a semiautomatic on an airplane these days, you’ll forgive the Government if they don’t trust your hemorrhoid-eradication explanation. Mr. Rogers, no offense, but I want you OUT of my neighborhood. Stay in Cleveland, playing for the Browns. Knowing that team as well as I do, I think you’ll fit in.

Finally, last but not least, I am mystified by the proposal this week – which all the experts say will soon become implemented – that the NCAA expand March Madness from 64 to 96 teams. Supposedly, this is being done because of greed on the part of our colleges. But I have a different explanation. I think it’s a statement against old adages, like the one that says “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

Is there anything in America that currently works better than the NCAA Tournament? Is there any sporting event that is more consistently exciting, unpredictable, and consistently fun to watch? Clearly not. And yet our nation’s colleges – the same ones that charge us a couple of hundred grand to help our kids learn how to chug beer and take bong hits – are now messing with success, all for “a little bit of money” (as Marge Gunderson would say).

Once they expand the tournament to 96 teams, you can forget about the so-called “regular season” in college basketball. That will feel like pre-season. Pretty soon, parents will be calling their college kids and yelling at them not only for wasting their time on booze and pot but also for going to regular season basketball games. As for the tournament itself, who can possibly fill out a bracket picking 95 games? “I don’t know about you, but ASU went 12-20 playing mostly a Pac-10 schedule and Fordham went 15-18 in the much weaker Metro Atlantic. I’m going with Arizona State.” Give me a break.

I remember as a little kid when there were no playoffs in Major League Baseball other than the World Series. You played the regular season, and if you won your league, you played in the Series. Otherwise, you watched TV liked the rest of us. Back then, the regular season mattered, and the purists didn’t want anything to change that – lest we feel, perish the thought, that watching 162 games a year is a waste of time. As it turned out, though, adding six more teams into the baseball post-season hasn’t dulled interest in the sport. In fact, it has made it more exciting for more cities. So yes, you can have too FEW teams make the playoffs. But at 96 teams in one sport, you sure as hell can have too many.

Will I still watch March Madness even if 96 teams make the “Big Dance”? Probably. Then again, I’m not sure what that’s saying. I’ll watch Cheetah Woods’ latest putting exploits at the Masters. And I probably haven’t seen the Eyes Wide Shut orgy scene for the last time either.

By the way, did I tell you guys that I just started writing my newest book yesterday? It’s a non-fiction book about God. I figured I’m as qualified to write it as any other person. After reading the above, are you going to argue with me?