THE “M” WORD

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat in front of the TV hoping for a supernatural comedic spirit to descend upon a political debate or press conference and force a politician to speak what he’s really thinking, and not some pre-packaged BS. Praise God, that kind of moment took place on August 7^th in Breaks, Virginia, a little hamlet near the Kentucky border. Senator George Allen was doing a meet and greet in front of his people, GOP partisans in a very Red corner of the universe, or should I say the Twilight Zone. The environment made him feel comfy. He felt compelled, as Madonna would say, to “express himself.”

Allen’s words have since become known to every political junkie in America. Allen had noticed in his presence a swarthy 20 year old man who worked for his Democratic opponent in Virginia’s Senate race and was regularly “tracking” Allen, a routine technique followed by both campaigns. That’s when the supernatural spirit – perhaps Rod Serling’s ghost – took over. “This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, Macaca, or whatever his name is, he’s with my opponent,” said George. “He’s following us around everywhere. And it’s just great. We’re going to places all over Virginia, and he’s having it on film, and it’s great to have you here, and you show it to your opponent because he’s never been there and probably never will come so it’s good for him to see what it’s like out here in the real world. [Laughter follows.] So welcome, let’s give a welcome to Macaca here! Welcome to America, and the real world of Virginia.”

Sweet stuff, isn’t it? Allen was finally able to cut loose on the campaign trail. And all the “real Americans” in the crowd were having a blast. Can you blame them? It’s tough, not being able to use the N word like you could in the good ol’ days. But now, thanks to a seasoned Presidential hopeful like George Allen, we don’t need the stinkin’ N word any more. We’ve got a new moniker for all the ugly, swarthy types who are threatening to destroy our country and our religion. Macaca!

Allen, you see, was the son of a woman who was raised in Tunisia, a country in which the word “Macaca” was a commonly used derogatory term for black people. It also means monkey. Sound familiar?

In this case, the object of Allen’s delightful humor wasn’t black, but nor was he one of the legion of white Christians who predominate the census in George Allen’s “real” America. Macaca’s name is Shekar Ramanuja Sidarth. You could call him by his preferred nickname, Sid, but that would make him sound too Jewish – Ashkenazic Jewish – and we Jews have all of a sudden become too popular among “real” Americans to be confused with Macaca. No sir, he’s a native Virginian of East Indian descent. As such, he belongs with the groups of people who walk into airports and cause “real” Americans to whisper (“crap, I sure hope that guy ain’t no terrorist”).

As you might have surmised my now, Macaca isn’t a Jihadist Muslim, but rather a Hindu. He’s also a brilliant student who not only participated on the It’s Academic team of a high school for the gifted and talented, but also played defensive end, tight end, punter and kicker on his high school football team.

I guess he’s a pretty talented monkey.

The truth is that according to politicians who appeal to “real” America, talent is of little relevance. But apparently, the same cannot be said for race, creed or color. The great thing about “Macaca” is that it can used to refer to multiple races. Arabs, Indians, Hispanics -- you name it. As long as they’re swarthy and display a coastal sensibility, they’re Macaca, not real Americans. Real Americans, unlike Sid, aren’t math-letes or chess club members. They don’t aspire, like he does, to become environmental lawyers – unless, of course, they decide to practice law against the cause of environmental protection. Real Americans are sick and tired of people of pigmentation who would dare question the establishment of Christianity as the national religion, or who would dare suggest that economic equity is a religious value. That’s just a bunch of Ma-caca, they tell us.

Politicians like George Allen know, however, that most real Americans would benefit, for example, from higher taxes for the very rich. But he dare not admit that, any more than the Czar of old Russia could come clean about economics to the peasants. The Czar gave his people pogroms against the Jews. And Allen gives his people coastal-bashing, racist Ma-caca. It’s funny how brilliant political minds think alike.

So now here we are, less than two months before the election, and little more than one month after the M word became heard ‘round the Commonwealth. Allen’s lead, which according to one early summer poll was 16 points has, according to that same poll, shrunk to four. Could Allen actually lose this race? Stay tuned – and find out if the Real Americans are correct that God truly is omni-benevolent.